A Lifter’s Night Before Christmas

‘Twas the night after Solstice, when all thru the web
Not a Fitpro was typing, who am I kidding, they are on PubMed
The keto disciples are cooking carb free cake
And drinking ketogenic water chased with a steak
The trainers at LA Fitness are staring in the mirror
Wondering when their biceps will start to appear
And grizzled old lifters wake up on the couch
Grumbling and stumbling around full of the ouch
When out in a distance a cry starts to be heard
It’s the sound of young trainers and the PubMed herd
They gathered their fingers and went to the boards
“Come one and come all let’s get ready to war”
The lifters, the hybrids, the bodybuilders all said
“That isn’t what this particular study said”
When, a loud bang appears and a light shines bright
It’s the Ghost of Lifting Past, coming in from the night
His hands so calloused, and his back rippling with mass
Let’s not mention his glorious ass
He came in from afar, with no knee sleeves or wraps
Armed with the knowledge from years and years past
“Now, dudes and dudettes let me tell you a tale,
From the days when the internet wasn’t the holy grail”
“Let’s gather around the iron with glee,
and find out what lessons we can learn for free”
The lifter came over and said, “What RPE?”
While the bodybuilder asked “How do you know your MRV?”
The Hybrid guy exclaimed “What running intensity”
The Ghost shook his head and said, “This isn’t easy”
Everyone waited with awe and had their MacBooks out
Anxious to reference what was to be spoken about
As the Ghost turned around, he didn’t have cards,
Nor a spreadsheet, nor calculators, nor Prilepen’s chart
They sat there shocked, amazed, and appalled,
For surely this Ghost knew nothing at all
The Ghost started to speak and he just spit some words
And slowly and surely, they started to be heard.
His eyes widened up, his mouth grew bold,
The passion he spoke about made him seem less old.
He punctuated the air with his arms and fists,
As he spoke about lifting and rattled off a list.
The small crowd took notice and looked left to right,
They closed their MacBooks conceding this fight.
The man had experience and he is speaking the truth,
Wisdom is often not ready for youth.
The lessons in the gym aren’t taught from the net,
You can bicker and argue all day until you sweat.
But ultimately the choice needs to be made,
do you care what some idiot on Facebook said?
Let others debate how many sets you need,
To get stronger and to grow like a weed.
You just dig in, read, discard what isn’t working
While others spend time with their arguing and babbling.
The crowd stood up, and the Ghost finally said,
“Thank you for this, I am ready to go,
but before I spend one last day on this earth,
Merry Christmas to you, let’s go fucking lift for all that we are worth”


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