Merry Christmas Season to me

I sit here at 5:45PM on a cold Saturday night in December.

My wife is cleaning her work area and going through her paperwork.

I just finished helping her organize our books and clean the living room.

A lot of emotions are running through me right now. To you it may seem silly, but my mind flashes back to 2012 Holiday Season.

I was living in Ohio, Cleveland area to be exact. I spent Thanksgiving at a client’s house. Kristen Davis and her family were amazing enough to invite me over. I was in a horrid mindframe and involved in a toxic situation I wasn’t strong enough to walk away from. Details aren’t necessary, but just bear with me…

Christmas Eve came; Kristen and her family invited me over again. We spent a lot of the night playing Rock Band and I was pretty damn hoarse. I volunteered to be vocals, but little did I know that meant being vocals ALL DAMN NIGHT!

I left to go home after dark, and my heart was in the pit of a personal hel. I was still mentally stuck in that same toxic environment and had nowhere to go but up… I just wasn’t mentally capable of going up at that point.

Christmas Day.

I was alone. I was too prideful to reach out to friends in Ohio because I didn’t want to take away from their family time and be a burden. I spent the day alone.

I went to the gym.

I went to see “Django Unchained” – alone.

I was in a bad spot mentally.

I sat in the parking lot of Lake County Hospital in Willoughby, OH crying in the parking lot.

This was my first holiday alone and I essentially let it happen with bad decisions, bad situations, and toxic … fucking TOXIC… relationships I couldn’t let go of.

I deserved it in a way but on this day I was thinking some scary ass thoughts that made me think I needed to check myself in to a hospital.

For all the external strength I possessed, I was a shell of that inside.

I pulled out of the parking lot and drove home, the streets were very quiet, because it was late Christmas night.

I went home, alone, and went to sleep.

In 2013, I started to methodically, and fucking painfully, chip away at the shit inside of me to get a hold of my life again.

It didn’t happen overnight, it took a few years but I made a decision that I was worth it.

Now it is 2017.

I am in Kansas City in a move I didn’t see coming last year.

I am happily married.

I have a growing business and 2018 is going to be even better for it, and my team.

I am sitting at the table, writing this, while my wife is directly across from me.

Earlier tonight, about 30 minutes ago, I grabbed her and hugged her with tears in my eyes.

I didn’t tell her why.

But this blog is why.

I love my life and I love you, Sarah.

You are the best fucking Christmas gift.

Last year was our first Christmas together but it was rushed.

This is our first married one, and I can’t begin to tell you how much this is valued.

To see where I came from, what I am now, and what is yet to be…

This holiday means everything to me.

Happy Holiday season to everyone, find your home and value it.

____


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