I am a raging hypocrite lately.
I am sitting here preaching health, fitness, cardiovascular training, moderation, balance, and wellness while I built my body on the exact opposite of those words.
I pushed aside bloodwork, ignored blood pressure readings of 160/100, didn’t do cardio whatsoever, blindly followed the “vegetables are wasted space” mantra, and got pretty damn strong and big doing it.
I played a sport known for extreme physical collisions, competed in Strongman, and have the injuries to show for it.
I didn’t take care of my mental health and often trained, and played, in a state of near rage drug out of my anger and resentment at the world around me… which ended up being anger and resentment towards myself when I thought about it years later with a rational mind.
I am 6’2″ 240 pounds, and this is small compared to what I used to be when I walked around at 275.
When I stopped playing rugby I traded one extreme sport for an unhealthy lifestyle.
I didn’t drop weight like I should have, I stayed big in the pursuit of strength. Attempting to push back aches and pains to reach a status that didn’t matter to myself but felt like I continually had something to prove in the strength world.
I felt that my best years were long before the current crop of coaches were even around. I had no YouTube videos of me playing rugby, no stats of my strongman contests that I kept around, I didn’t even keep a photo record of it all.
Funny coming from a guy who posts plenty of selfies but when it came to competing to win, I didn’t care about keeping track of myself…
I wanted to fucking win.
Back to not losing weight…
I ran so damn much during rugby that I never wanted to do it again, I took the 180 degree sharp turn the other way instead of using my brain and realizing that a degree of cardiovascular training is very important to an overall wellness package.
I did the opposite, I maintained an extreme lifestyle with food, training with near constant intensity and beating myself down for a bad workout, eating to grow even bigger and better, ignoring every damn warning sign associated with health problems, and pretending it was all okay.
It wasn’t ok because a couple of years ago, my life flashed before my eyes and it had an impression on me that woke me up and created a massive hypocrite.
I knew then my days of intensity had to stop, I had to learn balance, I had to drop weight, I had to consider my health before all, and I had to do it overnight.
There wasn’t any breathing room or “easing into it”, it was all or nothing because my health issue became all or nothing.
I rebeled for a week. I admit that. I got out of the hospital and didn’t change a damn thing. I felt like shit and didn’t care.
Until that day when I went into the cardiologist for a follow up and couldn’t breathe when walking….
I walked 50 feet and had to catch my breath.
He gave me a powerful diuretic. I dropped 50+ pounds of water in 6 days.
I saw death melting off of me and I started to change internally.
I set aside rage, it was a long process to take care of it and I admittedly am an emotionally charged man who is constantly working on controlling them rather than give into them.
I set aside resentment. I wrote a private letter to people I felt have done me wrong in my life, forgiving them, and at the end I forgave myself for any wrong I did to others. The power of self-forgiveness is important and I am not the same man I was a couple years ago even. I look at the old me and wonder how I didn’t implode sooner.
I wrote an anonymous article to a website about my past which opened up a plethora of latent emotions.
I met a wonderful woman and even with that it took me several months to accept her love as if I deserved it.
I found a moderation that I never guessed I would find and the amount of serenity that brings me is unfit for words.
My career is growing, my client base is happy, I feel better and the only numbers I chase are the numbers on my bloodwork to improve those markers and optimize my health, and most of all I am happy.
I became a raging hypocrite because I was forced into it and begrudgingly accepted it, only to fully embrace it later as my mental state improved, and I lifted the chains of rage off of myself.
I am a hypocrite because I see a lot of you following the same path and I desperately want you to avoid the path I took because nobody deserves to feel like they lost who they are.
There is value in lowering your life’s intensity and creating a path of moderation and balance. There is value in knowing what is important, and living your life in a way that values what that importance is.
That choice is yours to make, but I will remain a hypocrite because the foundation that I built was built by extremes, but I paid a steep price for that.
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