To beard or not to beard, that is the question

And this is the answer.

There was once a time when having a beard set you apart from the crowd. It was considered the mark of lumberjacks, Hell Angels, Rob Zombie and ZZ Top.

Your dad may have had a beard and you could hear your mom complain 4 rooms over saying “that hurts, stop that”; scarring your little mind with mental images you didn’t need to have.

Then came the goatee, a symbol of defiance and post-puberty facial hair issues where you really wanted to grow one but that bald patch on your cheek was too much to overcome. If you grew a beard you would look like you had mange, so you chose to look like a hipster instead.

Now beards are making a comeback. And they kind of suck at times.

Why do they suck? Not because they look like an unruly mess of thick hair if you don’t trim them every couple days, but because they look like an unruly mess if you don’t trim them every couple days.

You have big ones, chinstraps, designs carved by a barber for an exorbitant fee and the ever-so-cliched Viking beard of deadlift power.

Many a sharp looking cat has made himself look 20 years older by growing out his beard in ways that Eric the Red would say “damn, that is a big ass beard” to.

I admit, I got into the beard several years ago before the stupid beard memes, the “do you even beard” sayings and 20-something women who think a beard epitomizes masculinity when all you need to do is just have the ability to grow one out.

That is like saying “Real men grow beards”, which isn’t always the case.

I have a love/hate relationship with my beard. I have days when I want to keep my cleanly trimmed chin decoration and days when I want to take a laser to my face and remove it forever. All it takes is one day of extra growth and I feel like I crossed the line from debonair and suave into the realms of bum laying on the street.

What’s a man to do when he is surrounded by images of beard memery all over the internet?

Whatever he wants to do, that’s all.

If you are growing a beard to be part of the “cool” crowd, you are losing sight of the beard. If you want to play follow the beard leader while blasting terrible death metal, by all means do so, but your beard is grown in vain.

As for me, I go from chinstrap to clean shaven to areas in between… because a face like this needs a nice frame one day and the others does well being shown in all its chiseled glory.

*** no beards were harmed in the writing of this post ***

And if you take this post seriously, its not my fault you can’t recognize sarcastic humor if it smacks you in the bearded face.


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5 thoughts on “To beard or not to beard, that is the question

  1. No Jay, I didn’t even have to shave till I was well out of High School, lol. Then, through 13 years of marriage, I did the full beard every winter, and trimmed it to a goatee for the summer. Then I went clean shaven the day my divorce was final. I guess I just needed a change. Then a couple of years later, i just looked at myself in the mirror, and decided I liked the beard better, and I have had it ever since. But out of the last 20 years, I have only been clean shaven for a couple of years.

    1. so you went from fresh face cherub high school boy to mountainous muff of face hair rather quickly?

      you just gave hope to every single kid who grows 4 hairs and calls it a beard.

  2. yeah, id say between the ages of 19 and 20 or 21 i went from a hairless on face, back, chest, and stomach to a full beard, and a fairly hairy chest and even back. And shoulders, lol. I get a lot of shit when I let the beard grow out a little too long and bushy every ever now and then, my GF gripes about it daily, but fuck it, I do what I want. I might do the smooth face thing again, or the goatee at some point. But it will be when I want. People hinting that I should trim it or shave it has the opposit effect that they are going for. At one point I shaved it in the summer cause the ex-wife wanted me too, and kept it short for the same reason. Never again.


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