Things that men should never say in a gym

Its been assumed that if you have something dangling between your legs, you are a man. Sexual orientation doesn’t matter, you have testosterone, you want to beat your chest in a jungle, you watch “Heat” and say shit like, “dude, I so want to do that”, you have, or still do, drink milk right from the jug.


You are a man, and that’s shit we do on occasion.

With that being said, there are certain things that men should never be heard saying, or seen doing, in a gym of any sort:

1. Excuse me, what time is (spin/step/Zumba)?

When you ask that, I automatically hear this: “I like Turkish prisons”. Watch the movie “Airplane” if you don’t know what the hell I am talking about.

2. Adductor/Abductor machine.

Unless you are a competitive lifter or a competitive bodybuilder, stay off of it. Yes, its easy to tell if you aren’t one of those. Chances are you have a tee shirt cut down the sides so your nipples are hanging out, another big no-no. Chances are you are wearing the new Jordans to lift in. Chances are you have gel in your hair. If that is you, stay away from that machine and go find a rack.

3. This is too heavy, I can’t….

There’s a pretty good chance you can but you are afraid to try. If you are lifting with someone, you are in charge of your own weights, if you are lifting with a team of lifters, you are also in charge of your own weights and there is a good chance if your team is solid they won’t allow you to go heavy enough to fail. If you are lifting alone and you say this, you are probably schizophrenic and have multiple personalities where the meathead side of you slapped 5 plates on the bench while the real side of you knows its too heavy. In that case you should leave the gym and seek professional help.

The key is to lift to your limits, those words should never come out of your mouth. Ever.

4. Wearing Beats headphones.

For the life of me I never understood this one. Gyms are hot, you sweat like a atheist in church, and so you will buy high end headphones for an MP3 player and wear them at the gym, soaking them with sweat. In fact you sweat MORE because you have these massive fucking earmuffs on your head.

They make affordable earbuds that won’t make you look like an eskimo in a 80 degree gym. Buy them and save the Beats for when you aren’t going to soak high-end electronics in sweat.

5. The trend of cut down the sides to the waist teeshirts with a wife beater below it.

What the fuck is that all about? I get sleeveless shirts, I get cut offs. I don’t get making a hole so big a fat girl can hula hoop with your tee shirt and THEN wearing a wife beater below it.

Pick one. Either wear that stupid looking shirt proud and proclaim your total douchebaggery or just wear the wife beater. Combining them both just says “I am a total douchebag who thinks he has big arms, but I wear the wife beater to conceal my rolls”.

There are many, many more to choose from… but you will have to wait for future installments to find out.


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