Ask the A.S.S. – How to gain

Since the release of my earth-shattering bible on swole, I have received emails about a plethora of topics related to the book.

Some of the emails are about nutrition.

I have a disclaimer, I am NOT nutrition certified in any way whatsofuckingever. I just know what works for me, what is common sense and what I read from people that study that shit for a living.

To sit here and tell you all that I am an expert would be akin to Lil Wayne actually writing his own raps. Its not gonna happen.

But, I have my opinions.

When it comes to bulking, I can bulk. I went from a skinny ass dude to a war-like 270 (lean) over the years. I gained, lost, gained, lost and shaped up in those years.

I know what I did, I know what makes sense…

A man emailed me the other day, he is 5’8″, 150#. He has been CrossFitting for 4 years and has now seen the light. First off, admitting you have a metcon problem is a great first step, everyone say hello to the newest member of the “get jacked” club.

He wants to gain size, and he eats clean. I commend the clean eating… after all you don’t need to fucking drink  a gallon of milk a day or drink cherry pie filling for breakfast to gain mass. If you want to be a fat fuck, sure, but we don’t want fat fucks… we want strong, we want aesthetic, we want v-lines and board shorts… say what you will but you CAN have it all.

He sent me his sample menu, my SUGGESTED edits are below in bold:

Breakfast
1 cup of Oatmeal with Greek yogurt mixed in.
Two hard boiled eggs OR some turkey sausage
V8 juice

1 cup of oats with natural nut butter
3 eggs with sauteed red/green bell peppers in coconut oil
Water

Snack
Protein shake w milk
Almonds or hard boiled Egg

Shake with coconut milk (2 servings as per CAN) and water – fuck milk
Munch on some green shit

Lunch
Meatloaf

Meat – 1/4-1/3 pound of beef or chicken
Salad with olive oil drizzled on that thing
Couple slices toasted Ezekiel Bread

Post workout shake

Whey Isolate shake mixed with 30-40 grams of carbs.

This is easy. Slam a whey shake and eat a poptart. What? he wants to gain… the best time to eat that sugary shit is RIGHT AFTER THE WORKOUT!

Or… you can go classic and drink chocolate milk immediately after lifting. Its been pretty much proven its the best post workout drink, or at least one of them…

Dinner
Usually a protein and vegetable.

Meat
Veggies
Rice/Sweet Potato/some sort of solid carb source

Cook those veggies in extra virgin coconut oil, trust me.. shit tastes good.

Now, I am not going to try to screw with macros, I am not an expert. I just know eating super clean will not bulk you up… unless you take in a shitload of calories.

But he will still be eating clean… adding fat, adding carbs, clean carbs, nice carbs…

I could be the copout and say, go order Carb back loading, but he gave me what he eats, so I will SUGGEST some fixes that works with what he gave me.

All in all, you increase calories in a pretty clean way here, you will add size by increasing the amount of food you eat, you will not add blubber if you keep the carbs and calories in check. If you start to add some fat (or at least more than what you want) lower carbs. You gotta tinker with that a little and do what works for you.

The mirror is the judge, the scale is just a number.

I mean you can be 290 pounds, but if you are a chubby 290 with minimal shape, that is probably not the look you want if you are buying this book.

And if you are a blocky 290, you better be totaling at least 1800 on all three powerlifts (raw) or you need to re-evaluate what the hell you are doing and actually LOOK like you touch a weight.

Thanks for the email and I hope my usual charming explanation helps you with your goals.

For the rest of you….

Do I need to say it again??? Vein + click = book
Do I need to say it again??? Vein + click = book

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